The Fuck You Bee


Unlike its friendly, grateful counterpart from last summer, this bee just came out of nowhere to take his feelings out on me.
I was sitting down to eat outside when this bee zoomed straight at me from a ways away (I saw him coming.  Now I know why they call it a beeline.), and did this crazy agitated buzzing at top speed around my head.

I did what one does with confused bees, hold perfectly still until they figure out I’m not a flower and leave.  So I was sitting there motionless with my eyes half closed while the crazed bee divebombed my hair and face.  Then he dove straight at my eye.  I barely got my eyes closed in time, and remained still and relaxed while he(she?) walked around on my eyelid for a second.  And deliberately stung me.

I was still so peacefully confident he was a normal bee that the brutal heat spreading over my eye took a moment to register as a sting.  Then I started screaming, and ripped him off my eye and threw him(her?) away.

H.W. came running and grabbed me and walked me away from the scene of the crime, set me in another chair and ran to get his first aid kit.  The bee hadn’t had enough, though.  He found me in my new location, started the buzzing and stunt diving on my head again, and since I was injured now I started screaming again and flailing at him, and H.W. came and had to beat the bee off my head with a jacket.  That was one pissed bee.

I’ve never seen a bee behave like that before.  It wasn’t a wasp, and I hadn’t disturbed any bees lately, and like I said, I saw it coming across the yard, from somewhere I hadn’t even been.  Determined bee, though.  I’m really lucky I got my eye closed in time.

It swole up quite picturesquely, and I looked even worse the next day, when the swelling all drifted down and across my face, giving me two black eyes and a jowl on the stung side, like a bad Botox event.  It especially hurt when the swelling crossed the bridge of my nose in the night, making it puffy and tender like a bruise. I don’t usually give the bridge of my nose that much attention.

What amused me most is the way no one at all mentioned it at all when we went doing about 15 errands that next day, even I looked like an early victim of the zombie apocalypse.  Not one single comment.

June 1

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