Rudderless

All I want to do now is play outside.  Aka, yardwork.  Cleanup, cleanup, cleanup, the Sisyphean job you inherit with a new place that lasts, oh, pretty much ’til you leave it.   I started out today raking up my “front lawn”, a bucolic task pleasantly accompanied by Saturday CBC.  But pretty soon I was digging out ancient plastic that was laid down at some point in the past in lieu of landscape fabric (I guess), then I stepped on a wire and discovered it was one protruding inch of 6’ of chicken wire under 6” of dirt, totally enmeshed with the roots of the tree it was by.   By the time I’d wrested that from the ground I was bleeding, sweating, and filthy, so I figured I’d just keep that theme going for the rest of the day, moving from random task to random task until the light and my energy finally fade.

As I’ve mentioned before, this is my favourite way to work.  It’s how I want to live, actually.  Barefoot until November and moving constantly from thing to thing as I’m inspired to do it.

I used to be a list maker.  I’d make a list and pound through it from top to bottom.  If it was on a list of mine, it damn well got done. Sorta coincident with becoming a country mouse, I’ve changed.  Now if I write something on a list (even if I put stars next to it, or circle it!), the only thing that guarantees is that I will feel like doing nothing of the sort.  All I want to do is what comes to hand, what moves me in that moment, in an endless chain of free association and random inspiration.

I get an awful lot done on those directionless days; in fact, I have incredible energy.  Its just that what gets done is nothing I expected to do, or sometimes, what I think needs to be done.

I wonder if I could just keep going like that, day after day, what would happen.  Would my rhythm of inspiration lead me through all that should be done with perfect timing, or would I unwittingly veer away from some things I really want to do?  Forget to eat, have my sleep rotate late into the night.  I’m concerned that there’s a place for plans and intentions, and that I have to strike a balance between the free roll and mastering myself with goals and schedules.  Crack the whip.

I want to live with energy.  How to strike a balance between what I crave to do at any given moment, and what I have to do to be prepared, remember what day of the week it is, remember to eat, etc.?

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